My Absurd Life

Top 10 things to say when there’s a lull in the conversation. Not.

1. Want to see my third nipple?

2. Race you to the buffet line!

3. Does God suck or what?

4. Your husband is soooo fine. Rowwwl!

5. Aren’t you in my AA group?

6. I’ve had 12 sexual partners. How about you?

7. Whoa, easy on the carbs, chubbo.

8. I can get you a great deal on term life insurance.

9. Did you see me on Dateline's “To Catch a Predator" last night?

10. You have fabulous lips. How much did they cost?

Top 10 things single people can say to leave work early

A co-worker can leave the office early every day to pick up the kids. But a single person must work until quitting time, which is regularly pushed back, because there are no kids to pick up.

Single people of the working world: to even the score, try these excuses while running out the door early.

1. 4:30 already?! I gotta pick up Noah and Miley (the Chinchillas)!

2. My irritable bowels kick in at 5, and boy, is it messy.

3. If I don’t leave now, I’ll miss happy hour.

4. Oprah’s on!

5. Mother will report me missing, if I’m not back in the basement ASAP.

6. Driving in rush-hour traffic violates the terms of my probation.

7. I have to pick up the kids my neighbor gave birth to.

8. Grandpa’s been drinking all day and I’m his designated driver.

9. If I’m not home to turn the wheel at 4:44 p.m., this whole town will vanish.

10. I need to take my medication by 5, and it requires a bong.

Top 10 best-sellers that needed a name change first

1. Awaken the Giant Below
2. (see picture)

   

3. The Heart Attackins Diet
4. I’m O’Gay, You’re O’Gay
5. Chicken Poop for the Soul
6. The One-Minute Lover
7. Rich Sugar Daddy, Poor Sugar Daddy
8. The Secretion
9. The Bernie Madoff Way
10. The Millionaire Facing Foreclosure Next Door

Top 10 Reasons Why Dogs are Special

1. They show you love no matter how ugly you are.

2. Do you know anyone else who is so happy to see you, he pees?

3. They live in the present and remind you to do so, too.

4. No matter what your age, race, gender, skin color, educational background, sexual orientation, political affiliation, complexion or medical affliction, they will hump your leg.

5. You feed them the same damn dog food every day and they eat it.

6. They don’t hog the covers at night.

7. They eat their own vomit, so there’s less mess to clean.

8. They’re the only ones who ever begged you for something.

9. They lick your face after licking themselves.

10. They simply want what we all want – love.

9 Items or Less

Top 10 things to say to the lady with 15 items in the “9 Items or Less” line.

1. Two-four-six-eight, who can’t keep her numbers straight? You! You! Heeeey you!

2. Look, folks, it’s magic! This woman has transformed us into a regular checkout line!

3. (Take control of the microphone for this one.) Could I get a head check on aisle 1, please? Head check on aisle 1.

4. I guess Express Line means to express an opinion, rather than move fast. So here goes, ‘You suck.’

5. Excuse me, what’s more overrated? The ability to count or literacy?

6. Wow, I didn’t know 15 candy bars count as one item!

7. Since you believe rules were made to be broken, you won’t mind if I slap you?

8. Sing “15 items of things in the line, 15 items of things, I’ll take one out, you boorish lout, 14 items of things in the line,” until there are 9 items or you get beat up, whichever comes first.

9. This stupid Avian flu – COUGH, WHEEZE, HACK! It gets worse whenever there’s an irritant nearby – HACK!

10. Do I hear nine? Can I get a ten? How about 12, 15? Yes, we have 15 items! Sold to the inconsiderate lady in the front!

Your turn: Gee, you could ___________________ with all the extra items you have.

*Grammatically, it should be “9 items or fewer,” but most supermarkets have it the other way.

Top 10 New Year's Resolutions

The key to keeping your New Year’s resolutions is simple: Get real.

For instance, last year, I vowed to get fatter, and I outdid myself by moving up an entire size -- a size-mic shift. I vowed to grow more white hair to pluck out. Done! My tweezers are hard at work and my head is becoming a barren wasteland.

By making realistic goals, I’m no longer failing, but attaining. I’ve achieved a level of success I never thought possible in my life. And with that positively absurd spin:

Here are my Top 10 New Year's Resolutions

1. Go on three different diets. Go off three different diets. Net result: weight gain.

2. Buy another pair of shoes because they were on sale.

3. Ingest more chocolate as a substitute for love and happiness.

4. Let more drunks use my shoulder as a pillow on all modes of public transportation.

5. Make a difference! Starting tomorrow.

6. Watch more reality shows of other people’s lives and not live my own.

7. Purchase a complicated home gym and hang laundry on it.

8. Find no one to love me for who I am.

9. Develop a double chin.

10. Sweat buckets over the small stuff while millions of people suffer from war, poverty and disease.

Your turn:  I resolve to “get real” and ________________.

Top 10 Things to Do on the Toilet

1. Meditate.

What is the sound of one plop dropping?

2. Eat fried chicken.

Fuel up and clean out at the same time.

3. Knit.

Make a cap while you crap.

4. Write thank-you cards.

You know how you never get around to them.

5. Bounce a ball.

To ensure at least some ball movement.

6. Learn a trade.

Hey, some of us take longer.

7. Appreciate your alone time.

Who says you never have any?

8. Create a to-do list.

For after you do the doo.

9. Fold paper airplanes.

Make a Stealth Bomber and let it fly.

10. Play Scrabble with a friend.

Obviously, a good friend.

Your turn: Come up with a Top 10 list about ________.

Numbers Game

101 Ways to … Learn the 7 Habits of … 28 Places to See Before You … Unlock the 10 Secrets of the … Top 100 Countdown of … 5 Rules to Make Him Fall Head Over Heels for You.

Nothing sells like numbers. Look at the number of titles with numbers IN their titles. It’s the easiest theme to follow because you know what comes next. Stick a number in it and you’re done.