My Absurd Life

Peeing Cheeto is flaming hot for Keanu Reeves in “Speed”

Peeing Cheeto had a small part in the movie "Su-PEE-doh." Can you find him on this Japanese movie ticket? The names of the film's actors are at the top in Japanese. From left to right, it reads Keanu Reeves, Dennis Hopper and Sandra Bullock. Bonus question coming up!

Bonus question worth 55 points: What is the translation of the sentence going down the middle of the ticket?

a. In a world … where buses explode … one man … risked everything … and inspired a sequel.
b. Because watching Keanu is a beautiful thing.
c. Two-four-six-eight, who do we appreciate? Hot bus driver! Hot bus driver! Whoaaaaa, bus driver!
d. Rush hour is a bitch.
e. (Create your own.)

Peeing Cheeto gets hosed by an elephant

Peeing Cheeto came member to member with an elephant in Thailand. Alas, his peeing prowess was no match for the gushing geyser of a peeing pachyderm.

Peeing Cheeto sells Hondas with the Addams family

Nothing says “The minivan for your weird family!” like an ad featuring Uncle Fester and Lurch. Peeing Cheeto got his first paid modeling gig in Japan by standing in for Cousin It, who was having a bad hair day. He provided the pasty-faced Addams family with a much needed splash of color.

By the way, how many Peeing Cheetos does it take to sell a Honda Odyssey? Find all 12 or go blind trying.

Peeing Cheeto meets “I Can Has Cheezburger?”

 

Peeing Cheeto knows people love cats. He’s seen the site that shows all the fun and crazy things cats do. Peeing Cheeto is scared of cats. Still, there must be a reason why cats are so adored. He decides to make friends with Beelzebub, the neighbor’s cat.

Before his head is completely bitten off, Peeing Cheeto says, “Cat not frenz of Peeing Cheeto.”

Peeing Cheeto rocks Harajuku

Sundays at Harajuku are a trip. Minutes away from the centering serenity of Meiji Shrine, young people dress up in the wildest fashions, blast rock music, perform in outlandish costumes, draw enthusiastic fans and inspire an American rock star or two. Just ask Gwen Stefani. Peeing Cheeto gets in on the act, sporting big hair and playing musical numbers with his own instrument. Rock on. That’s Pee Chiddy Diddy to you.

Peeing Cheeto Creates Yellow Snow

 

After flunking out of adult education Photoshop classes, Peeing Cheeto took to the snow-covered mountains to find himself. Far away from evil drop shadows and inscrutable layer masks, Peeing Cheeto discovered the simple splendor of a stark environment. Nature—raw and untouched—was beautiful.

He realized that pristine places such as this had to be preserved … for wealthy tourists! He would create eco-camps where they could zip-line down the forest and ride on ATVs to luxurious private cabins. Once the natural beauty of the woods was destroyed, it would become Faux Snow Wonderland, with graphic designers clamoring to create brochures for it and to be paid handsomely by the now super-loaded Peeing Cheeto.

Until then, Peeing Cheeto would make do with his cheesy and totally unrealistic Photoshop designs. He returned to civilization, following a trail of totally realistic yellow snow he created to find his way back.

Peeing Cheeto Visits a Shrine

 

When the New Year arrives, the Japanese head for the temples and shrines to pray for good fortune in the coming year.

Peeing Cheeto loves tradition. He decides to give out his own blessings by showering people in liquid gold. It is not appreciated. He is carried away, his pee barely missing a young woman clad in a very expensive kimono. Talk about a death wish.

Next time, Peeing Cheeto, if you want to participate in the culture, just throw a coin in the collection box and clap a couple of times.

Peeing Cheeto at the Naked Festival

In the middle of winter, at Saidaiji Temple in Japan, Peeing Cheeto jumped at the chance to freeze his buns off at the Naked Festival. Men in loincloths didn’t just brave the cold; they threw themselves into it, particularly the ice-cold temple waters. 

With all the bumping, grinding, groping, frolicking and splashing, these were men who were comfortable with themselves. And each other. And Peeing Cheeto.

In return, Peeing Cheeto did his best to keep the men warm.

At midnight, the lights were turned off and a priest tossed two sticks (that had been blessed) into the unseeing mass of men. Peeing Cheeto was thrown to the ground as the guys fought to get their hands on a stick, which they sometimes mistook for Peeing Cheeto. Not pleasant. Rows of police officers kept the group from spilling into the crowd of spectators. But the mad frenzy forced the cops back, squashing those behind them. One woman screamed to be let out, saying, "I will die! I will die!"

It was over in minutes. The winners got their "treasure wood" and a $2,000 prize. The losers nursed their wounds. Peeing Cheeto got psychological counseling.

And what became of the used, sweaty, sometimes bloody loincloths? The men could give it to their pregnant wives to use as a stomach belt. In olden days, this ensured the birth of a strong baby.

Peeing Cheeto & His Butties

To soak in the Japanese culture, Peeing Cheeto joined a boisterous group of pants-free men at a neighborhood festival in Tokyo. He felt right at home baring his buttocks; however, the guys made him wear a happi coat to cover a few things.

They hoisted a portable shrine and carried it throughout the town, bringing cheer to the residents. At every stop, the sweaty participants were offered free beer. Can you say, “religious pub crawl”?

Peeing Cheeto went wild. He quaffed then doffed. By losing his coat, he added another “member” to the team. Had he known Japanese, he would have heard them say, “Watch where you’re going with that thing!”

Peeing Cheeto Likes his Sumo

 To catch a glimpse of Akebono, the American-born sumo wrestler and future grand champion, Peeing Cheeto staked out the best vantage point at two in the morning.

The guard shack’s rooftop was deep, and soon it overflowed with pee since Peeing Cheeto didn’t want to risk giving up his spot for a trip to the “toire.”

As the hours passed and the crowd grew to claustrophobic proportions, Peeing Cheeto decided to soak inside the warm pool of natural minerals he created. Ahhh. Just like a Japanese hot spring. Sulfur-like smells included, well, whenever he let one fly.

Akebono finally arrived and acknowledged Peeing Cheeto with a look of disgust, which Peeing Cheeto mistook for awe. Peeing Cheeto glowed in a state of happeeness and peece.