We suck at voter participation. According to International IDEA, a Sweden-based voting organization, the good citizens of Australia, the U.K, Canada and France kick our butts in voter turnout. We’re also beaten by those bastions of freedom – Cambodia, Nicaragua, Uzbekistan, Somalia, Bangladesh and the Palestinian Authority.
Well, I’ve got a plan to change all of that. And it’s change we can believe in.
To get more people to vote, we need more than hype leading up to an election. We need hype on the blessed day itself. So I invoke what the world respects, envies and hates us for--our indomitable spirit of consumer and pop culture. Fo’ shizzle.
My fellow Americans, this November 4th, don't miss the Star-Spangled Voter's Choice Awards, Freedom Concert and Mixed Martial Arts Extravaganza! After you rock the vote, present your 2008 voter’s stub to gain admission to the exclusive after-party events held in every major U.S. city.
Catch a free concert with U2, Rihanna, Fall Out Boy, Miley Cyrus, Ne-Yo or a semi-cool local act if your city’s too cheap, then watch sweaty men pound each other into a bloody pulp. While there, enter to win a year's supply of medical marijuana. Totally dope. And enjoy complimentary nachos, hot dogs and Red Bull drinks … Red Bull, official sponsor of the Voter’s Choice Awards.
Do you find it difficult to take ten minutes out of your day to vote? Is it easier to spend an entire night at Wal-Mart and trample others to death for a $19 DVD player at the day-after-Thanksgiving sale? Good news! At all polling centers on Super Election Day, you’ll find blow-out deals on electronics, including iPhones for $9.99 and Wii Fits for just $2.99, while supplies last.
And we’re putting the free in freedom. After you submit your completed ballot, pick up your complimentary gift: an American flag bling-bling pin that says "I voted!" on the front and "Made in China" on the back.
We've also consulted with the media geniuses at Fox to target the Gen-Y voter. Introducing: American Idol – Uncut & Raw Political Edition. Who will win the four-year contract with America--Obama or McCain? You decide.
But wait, there’s a twist. After each contestant does his song and dance, he’ll have to eat USDA-approved downer cow brains and lie in a vat of cockroach caca. Or worse, be thrown into the public arena to face the brutal “Attack of the PACs.”
Don’t forget our celebrity judges: Bill O'Reilly, Michael Moore and Britney Spears. We begin with a hot-button issue: “Mr. Presidential Candidate, Ginger or Mary Ann?”
McCain: That trollop, Ginger, is an Access of Evil. I choose Mary Ann.
O'Reilly: Spoken like a true patriot, someone with solid family values. Unlike Osama here, I mean, Obama. Has he even seen an episode of Gilligan’s Island?
Moore: Speaking of access, will Ginger and Mary Ann have access to quality health care when they get older?
Obama: To the American people, I say it’s not about Ginger or Mary Ann, Red or Blue States …
Spears: Personally, I'd rather French-kiss Madonna, but, like, whatever, y’all.
Cut to an official U.S. polling center. Hordes of insanely attractive young adults line up around the block. These paid models are reinforcing the fact that voting is the ultimate VIP experience: only those on the master list get to go in.
To up the hipness quotient, as opposed to the hip-replacement one, we’ve dismissed Delores, Mildred and Loretta, the retired schoolteachers who volunteer to help at the polls every year. Taking their place are bouncers Thrash, Cujo and Bubba, who are checking IDs at the door and having attendees sign the guest book. Once past the velvet rope, each person scores a private booth, also known as “the party cage,” where what happens in there, stays in there.
When the election is over, the voter’s keepsake stub keeps on giving. Flash it for free admission to all national parks, museums and participating nightclubs. Plus, get pitchers of beer for just $2 at Hooters, proud sponsor of our beautiful and bountiful American way of life.
Now are you ready to vote?
Come on! We have to put on a good show. The world watches us because we are America, dammit, and because CNN International is seen in more than 200 countries. So we must be a shining example. Otherwise, countries with democratic aspirations (and those we spring democracy on) will see that they, too, can live and die for the freedom to not vote.
And if you’re still not interested in voting, no worries. The wonderful thing about elections is that everybody wins. Even if you don't go to the polls, you can take home some lovely parting gifts such as an extended tour in the Middle East, a marriage made in heaven as defined by the Supreme Court and cheaper gas for your SUV—the Chevy Mammoth—as we drill in Alaska.
In fact, some people will thank you for not playing. It allows them to walk away with the grand prize: deciding the fate of your future. Muwahahahaha! That’s not only a great deal; it’s a great steal!
