My Absurd Life

Chinese newspaper cartoon: Re-enactment of a Beating?!

Clipped out from a Chinese newspaper. It appears to be an illustration of an actual crime. Look at the picture on the left, the one with blood splattering out of the victim. Four men are attacking the man with a ...
1. Stick
2. Wrench
3. Axe
4. Bullwhip (WTF!!!)
This isn't an assault; it's a Quentin Tarantino film. I mean, really, a bullwhip? They have one just hanging around the house? Imagine what they didn't use.

"Hey Wei-shan, you take the wrench, and I'll take..." 
"Aww, man, I got the wrench last time. I want the axe."
"Is Feng coming? He's bringing the jawbone."
"I don't think so, and the chainsaw's in the shop."
"Gimme the whip then. What about the hydrochloric acid?"
"Yao's got it. But he's running late."
"Forget him. Grab a stick and let's go."

Moving on to picture #2 ...
Well, what do we have here? It's a backyard barbecue with two of the beaters! They're not just cold-blooded killers, they're great cooks, too. How nice, they even treat the family dog to some tender meat. But wait, why the sinister looks? Ai yah! They're cooking up a big vat of Mu Shu Quon -- Quon being the unfortunate guy from panel #1.

“Heavy petting may result in rabies.”

Loosely translated: “For the love of Buddha, don't feed the monkeys.”

Another cartoon warning at a Japanese monkey park. Three possible translations in rusty Japanese:

1. What does it feel like to get jumped by a thousand feral monkeys? Feed them and find out.

2. "Hey guys, forget the snacks, she’ll make a great carcass for the winter. Dibs on her brain."

3. Popular last words at the park – ‘I don’t care what the sign says.’

Loosely translated: “Monkey see, monkey kill you.”

A cartoon warning at a Japanese monkey park. Here are possible translations in my rusty Japanese:

1. "I will never use E-Harmony again!"

2. Once eye contact is made, one of you must die.

3. Do not stare at the monkeys, unless you plan to make mad monkey love to them. 

Loosely translated: “Don’t touch breast-feeding monkey.”

What better way to warn visitors about the dangers of monkeys than with a kawaii (cute) cartoon? This one is from a flier at a monkey park on Shodo Island in Japan. My Japanese is rusty, so I’ll simply make up the translation. Here are three to choose from.

1. Do not go near baby monkey attached to nipple.

2. Touch monkey; lose manhood.

3. Do not hit on Mama monkey. Daddy Monkey keeeeeel you.