My Absurd Life

Your blind date is hot. Too hot.

If she looks too good to be true,
you must be rich.

Megan Fox is hot in gecko earrings

Nothing says, “I support a sustainable planet!” like live geckos dangling from your ears.

Here's why gecko earrings have become the latest in eco-friendly fashion.

• No precious metals are ripped out of Mother Earth’s bowels to create these unique pieces of jewelry.
• No more lost earrings. Geckos can hang from your lobes all day and night.
• Geckos go with everything, changing colors to match your outfit. (More after Megan pic. Stay with me.)

• They’re free, plentiful and available in most homes.
• Be seen being green, which is the hottest trend right now. Toyota Prius is so two years ago; and it will still end up in a landfill. Geckos are completely biodegradable.
• Geckos look fantastic, which has Hollywood buzzing. Gecko earrings have been spotted on Megan Fox, Miley Cyrus, Angelina Jolie and Ed Begley Jr.

My hair eats better than I do

Strawberries, sage, kiwi, ginger, apricot, raspberry, pineapple – these are all ingredients in my current batch of shampoos and conditioners. My hair gets more servings of fruits and anti-oxidants than I do. So does my skin.

And forget boring, old-fashioned milk. One of the shampoos contains soy milk. Another has “healthful green tea” and “calming chamomile” because you want your hair to live a long time without it having a nervous breakdown from all the blow drying and styling you do to it.

So what’s next? Wheat grass and acai, with organic beets? Don’t forget “lively liver”; it’s packed with B-vitamins to create happy hair.

And, in the end, my hair still looks like crap.

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Magnifying mirrors suck, the addendum

Leave it to women to actually pay for a product that makes them look more weathered and wrinkled than they really are. A product that super-sizes age spots. Turns a furrowed brow into the Grand Canyon. Shows Mt. Etna exploding in pimply pus on the facial landscape. Magnifying mirrors allow women of all ages to fixate on their flaws. And whoever thought of built-in fluorescent lighting was brilliant! It adds dark circles and unflattering shadows requiring immediate attention and thousands of dollars in makeup, botox and plastic surgery. Let us take a moment to thank the inventor of the magnifying mirror: Randolph J. Maybelline.

OK, I made that up. It’s actually Estee M. Keela.

Good morning, Beautiful!

Of Unibrows and Moustaches

Beauty salons have their own way of saying, “Would you like fries with that?” Ironically, it’s not pretty.
…

Enter Claire the aesthetician.
 
Claire: Hi, just a brow wax today?

Me: Yes, thanks.

Claire: What about the hair on your lip?

Me: What hair on my lip?! And it’s so bad that it needs to be taken care of?

Claire: Sorry, we have to ask that.

Me: Of course you do. In fact, I want to thank you for clueing me in. Now I can build up a healthy facial-hair complex to match my other beauty and body issues.

Claire: That’s the spirit! Here’s a mirror to get started.

Me: Wow. Now that you’ve pointed out my hideously hairy lip, I can’t help but fixate on it. I look like that guy in Mask, you know the movie with Cher?

Claire: Oh yeah, the disfigured son.

Me: No, I meant Sam Elliott – the bushy moustache guy. Wait, you think I look like the son?

Claire: Nothing a slimming face wrap and microdermabrasion can’t fix.

Me: Please stop. Because I love myself. 

Claire: Obviously. Anyway, we have to suggest that.

Me: I totally understand. But I will not focus on my fat head and horrible hirsuteness. I am fortunate. I could be starving and suffering from malaria in a third world country.

Claire: You’re not starving that’s for sure.

Me: So what if I’ve got a hairy lip? Some people have hairy arms.

Claire: Actually, you do have …

Me: Never mind!

Claire: But aren’t you hot with all that …

Me: I like swarthy! Swarthy arms, swarthy back – keeps my man warm at night! Hahaha! See, I’m laughing loudly, heartily and desperately at myself. That’s how much self-esteem I have. You won’t get the best of me, sinister salon lady. Just do the brows – NOW!

Claire: All right! So the moustache stays, even though I could make a hair weave out of it. With your choice of beads. Just a suggestion.

Me: Happy place. Must find my happy place.

The 8-Minute Haircut

I like to support mom-and-pop shops so I walked into an old-time barbershop for a trim. I knew I wouldn’t get a hip, high-fashion, Katie Holmes look that came with aromatherapy, music videos and chamomile tea. But still. I didn’t expect a head shearing that took eight minutes, two of which the “stylist” used to talk on her cell phone.

Since I bear a striking non-resemblance to Jessica Alba, it’s unsettling to walk into a place and have everyone stop talking and stare at you. The reason: I was the youngest person in the cluttered, cramped shop. Average client age: 80 years old.

As they pondered what to do with this walk-in anomaly, a woman in her 40s entered and was immediately dubbed my hairstylist. Did she even work here?

I told her I wanted a trim of two inches. She apparently heard, “You’ve got two minutes, lady. Move it!”

After she grudgingly cleared the counter so I could put my bag down, she kept repeating, “Sit. Sit.” Once I did, the race was on!

Wha-pack! She whipped out a black vinyl sheet and threw it around my neck, leaving my back exposed. Fshht! Fshht! Streams of water shot out of a spray bottle. Snip! Snip! Shears flew in a mad flurry. Aren’t there major arteries around there? Before I pointed that out, she pushed my head from side to side, interfering with my growing thoughts of sliced ears, leptospirosis and tetanus.   

Then her phone went off. My wet hair and I waited while she talked in another language. “Chwa ko ha heee!” (Laughter in her native language.) She probably said, “Hey honey, pick up milk, Twinkies and the kids on the way home,” but when it’s in another language, you always get the feeling it’s about you, in this case, my split ends and misshapen head.

When the call ended, it was – game on. “Bzzz! Bzzz!” went the electric shaver. Electric shaver? “Trim! Only a trim!” I cried out in my mind because I was too scared to confront the General. Finally, the blowdryer whooshed everything to a nice and toasty crisp.

Meanwhile, the back of my uncovered neck had taken on a swarthy look during the cut. Falling hair clung stubbornly to my nape, adhering to pools of nervous sweat. She fixed that right up by slapping a towel against it back and forth. Pak! Pak! Pak!

Finished. The man who was in the middle of a trim when I arrived was still getting a trim. And I was done. Afraid to closely examine the end result, I got up and mumbled, “Great. Thanks.” The hairbrush went back into a bucket of brushes. Shouldn’t it be washed?

While a guy helped his 90-year-old dad shuffle to a chair, I paid fifteen bucks plus tax and a $2.50 tip. I must admit, you can’t beat the price, unless I left with a haircut and a head of lice.

I passed Taco Bell on my way back to the car. The three girls who were eating there when I came were still eating. And they call it fast food. Ha ha ha! Sob!

At home, I looked at myself objectively in the mirror. “Hmm, I don’t hate it,” I thought. I dusted myself off, washed out any potential parasites and trimmed a few errant long hairs. Then I went to the office and heard several, “It looks nice,” as opposed to, “Ohhhh, you got a haircut,” which usually means, “Good God, what happened to your hair?!”

So I got a decent trim in the end. Is that enough to make me want to go back? No. But I don’t yearn for blueberry scones and friendly banter at an over-priced salon either. Now, I’m thinking of getting a Flowbee. I can already hear my co-workers saying, “My, that’s some hairdo you’ve got going on.” (Translation: For the love of Medusa, what have you done?!”)

Mirror, Mirror

On sale at the local drug store: 8x Illuminated Magnifying Mirror.

Let me get this straight. I can pay $29.99 to see the blackheads on my face look like the La Brea Tar Pits. When I trim my long, pesky nose hair, I'm actually clear-cutting a forest. I can make all my age spots, wrinkles and imperfections appear larger than life. And it comes with that most flattering of accompaniments – the fluorescent light. Wow.

How do you market something like this?

“If you thought you were hideous before, you ain’t seen nothing yet! Get the handy-dandy 8x Illuminated Magnifying Mirror and enjoy the onset of depression.”

Well, Looking Glass Company, makers of the magnifying mirror, magnify this!

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