My Absurd Life

Plentiful list of playful plurals!

It's time now for counting in real life. Have fun with this plausible, plentiful list of playful plurals.

A crush of school girls.
A brood of teenagers.
A host of exchange students.
A mess of kids.
A den of dads.

A slew of exterminators.
A rash of dermatologists.
A mass of bishops.
A pool of gamblers.
A flood of plumbers.
A stash of smugglers.
A score of composers.
A staff of pianists.
A body of morticians.
A bed of florists.
A ton of sumo wrestlers.
A mound of pitchers. 
A collection of artists.
A lot of valets.
A clique of photographers.
A list of movie actors.
A line of seamstresses.

Famous counts:
A mob of Gottis.
A stack of Roberts.
A pyle of Gomers.
A sequins of Elvis impersonators.
A team of Mr. Ts.
A train of Duke Ellington band members.

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My future wedding cake

 

Oh-oh. I'm beginning to hear the call of the wild.

Fortune Cookies Gone Wrong 2

Here are more office-related Miss Fortunes that I distributed in honor of the Chinese New Year. They were baked into fortune cookies.

My Absurd Life Miss Fortunes – Part II

The minute you laugh with a co-worker,

The boss walks in and tells you to focus.

There are more meetings in your future.

Buy a pillow to scream into.

Your co-workers bought a gift for the boss.

By the way, your share is $40.

Overtime is a state of mind.

Don’t record it on your timecard.

Success is in the future.

Unfortunately, not yours.

Your hard work and dedication pay off.

For the boss.

You will meet lots of friendly people

Who come to poach your snacks.

Why do those who doth kiss ass,

Move up the corporate ladder so fast?

They tell you, “Do a good job on this one.”

Like you do a crappy job on everything else.

Retirement is waiting for you.

Unfortunately, Social Security won’t be.

When the boss makes a promise,

He busts your ass to keep it.

What the higher-ups see and

what those in the trenches know.

It’s called: Disconnect.

Reality 101:

You schmooze, you don’t lose.

If only your cubicle was

the size of the boss’ ego.

The boss has big plans for you.

They’re hers and you’ll be carrying ‘em out for years.

For people in sales:

You will make budget this quarter.

Sorry, can’t say it with a straight face.

Rates will change. Get over it.

 

Hey, I missed Part I!

Miss Fortune Cookies

In honor of the Chinese New Year, I had fortune cookies baked with the following office-related fortunes inside, which I feel are truer-to-life. These are the kinds of absurd things I dream up, and then actually do. Although it is the Year of the Rat, I don’t recommend you show these to the boss. And, yes, I know that fortune cookies were invented in the United States and not China.

My Absurd Life Miss Fortunes

When the boss has a cow,

You feel like you’re giving birth to it.

You can do it!

Others will take your place if you can’t.

You’ve been micromanaged so much,

You need help wiping your ass.

It’s not as bad as you thought.

It’s worse.

Your dream comes true.

Unfortunately, it’s the one where you’re naked in front of a crowd.

The boss absolutely needs it by today.

So he can have you revise it for the next three weeks.

That smell in the bathroom was there when you entered.

Sadly, no one believes you.

The best part of your job is lunch.

The boss recognizes your great ideas.

He’s always taking credit for them.

You’ll have a best friend.

Until you finish her project.

An annoying co-worker goes on vacation.

You’d be happy, if you weren’t stuck doing his job.

It’s not a do-over.

It’s simply a tenth revision.

You’ll reach higher in 2008.

Because your budget’s been raised.

Turnover is so bad, you call the

new guy, “Mr. Two Months.”

 

My Absurd Life Miss Fortunes II