Rude person: "Why don't you have kids, yet? Don't you like kids?" You: "Yes, I love kids, but my fallopian tubes are all f*#@ed up. Thanks for asking."
1. On pay day, instead of Neiman Marcus, walk into a supermarket. You'll feel like a king or queen knowing you can buy almost anything in the store. And you won't go broke splurging on that big box of Goobers. Heck, get ten boxes. Now you're living large. Your waistband, too.
2. Stop watching "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" and "The Hills." Start watching "Hoarders." You'll realize that having too much stuff doesn't make you rich, it makes you a slave to the clutter and a prisoner of Public Storage.
3. Celebrate your good fortune. How awesome that you own a TV -- all 20 inches of a cathode-ray classic! In the country of Chad, there's one TV per 1,000 people; so you've totally scored. Wait, AND you have cable? And a radio, dishwasher, stove, refrigerator, car and roof over your head? You filthy capitalist pig. 4. Play "Who got the better deal?" with your girlfriends. Here's how it works:
GF1: Isn't my new sweater cute? I got it at Ross's for only $12.99. GF2: Are you serious? That sweater was at Goodwill for, like, 5 bucks. GF3: Amateurs! My cousin gives me her sweaters for free. I send her my old fitness DVDs in return. GF4: Pulleeeaase... This shag rug ... My pink Crocs ... The plates we're eating off of ... Even the fried chicken ... Four words: apartment complex trash can.
(Girls erupt in cheers, yet silently seethe with jealousy that GF4 scored the best deal.)
5. Wallets with Velcro are the new Louis Vuitton. Convince the others. It's all about perception. While you're at it: The hottest bag right now is the hobo sack on a stick -- the make-your-own kind. 6. Enjoy rich culinary experiences at hole-in-the-wall joints. I ate at a dive where two people were squatting on the ground peeling carrots, and the grandmother cooked chicken with a 5-year-old boy strapped to her back. I wasn't just eating authentic food; I was transported to the old country.
7. Basically, re-think what it means to be "rich," and you'll be rich in no time. In fact, you're rich right this second. You have access to a computer, you're connected to the Internet and you can read.
