At work, I go to Photos.com for copyright-free pictures to put in our ads.
The photo service has average-looking people on it. Homely, even, which means I could be on this. Some of these people are doing poses only hot people should do. I could be doing that, making men all over the world puke.
Thousands of companies must be using this service because I’ve seen the same woman in ads all over town and in national campaigns. I wonder how many times my pictures would be downloaded and used in magazines, newspapers and company brochures. Maybe my face would be plastered everywhere. Millions would recognize me. Seriously. I could be a star.
So I almost sent in my pictures. And then I realized, with my luck…
My picture appears on a Ku Klux Klan flier. There are cross-hairs on my face.
Caption: “We hate people like her! Get her! Blam! Blam!”
I’m positively beaming on a poster in Tokyo. Next to me is a cartoon of a cute, dead whale with a harpoon in it.
Caption: “Kill the whales! Eat whale meat every day! Oishii!”
An alternative weekly chooses a picture of me staring at big melons and a long summer sausage that they’ve Photoshopped in.
My “angry” pose is just what Metamucil wants for its ads.
Caption: “Backed-up bowels making you foul?”
Aw, hell no, I don’t need that. Sorry, Photos.com, this homely girl ain’t for sale.
Fake response from Photos.com: “Honey, you couldn’t give it away.”
My response to fake response: “Oh yeah?” Beep-boop-boop-beep-beep-beep-boop. “Hello, KKK?”