Beauty salons have their own way of saying, “Would you like fries with that?” Ironically, it’s not pretty.
…
Enter Claire the aesthetician.
Claire: Hi, just a brow wax today?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Claire: What about the hair on your lip?
Me: What hair on my lip?! And it’s so bad that it needs to be taken care of?
Claire: Sorry, we have to ask that.
Me: Of course you do. In fact, I want to thank you for clueing me in. Now I can build up a healthy facial-hair complex to match my other beauty and body issues.
Claire: That’s the spirit! Here’s a mirror to get started.
Me: Wow. Now that you’ve pointed out my hideously hairy lip, I can’t help but fixate on it. I look like that guy in Mask, you know the movie with Cher?
Claire: Oh yeah, the disfigured son.
Me: No, I meant Sam Elliott – the bushy moustache guy. Wait, you think I look like the son?
Claire: Nothing a slimming face wrap and microdermabrasion can’t fix.
Me: Please stop. Because I love myself.
Claire: Obviously. Anyway, we have to suggest that.
Me: I totally understand. But I will not focus on my fat head and horrible hirsuteness. I am fortunate. I could be starving and suffering from malaria in a third world country.
Claire: You’re not starving that’s for sure.
Me: So what if I’ve got a hairy lip? Some people have hairy arms.
Claire: Actually, you do have …
Me: Never mind!
Claire: But aren’t you hot with all that …
Me: I like swarthy! Swarthy arms, swarthy back – keeps my man warm at night! Hahaha! See, I’m laughing loudly, heartily and desperately at myself. That’s how much self-esteem I have. You won’t get the best of me, sinister salon lady. Just do the brows – NOW!
Claire: All right! So the moustache stays, even though I could make a hair weave out of it. With your choice of beads. Just a suggestion.
Me: Happy place. Must find my happy place.
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