The key to keeping your New Year’s resolutions is simple: Get real.
For instance, last year, I vowed to get fatter, and I outdid myself by moving up an entire size -- a size-mic shift. I vowed to grow more white hair to pluck out. Done! My tweezers are hard at work and my head is becoming a barren wasteland.
By making realistic goals, I’m no longer failing, but attaining. I’ve achieved a level of success I never thought possible in my life. And with that positively absurd spin:
Here are my Top 10 New Year's Resolutions
1. Go on three different diets. Go off three different diets. Net result: weight gain.
2. Buy another pair of shoes because they were on sale.
3. Ingest more chocolate as a substitute for love and happiness.
4. Let more drunks use my shoulder as a pillow on all modes of public transportation.
5. Make a difference! Starting tomorrow.
6. Watch more reality shows of other people’s lives and not live my own.
7. Purchase a complicated home gym and hang laundry on it.
8. Find no one to love me for who I am.
9. Develop a double chin.
10. Sweat buckets over the small stuff while millions of people suffer from war, poverty and disease.
Your turn: I resolve to “get real” and ________________.
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