Today's prison food special is Nutraloaf.
In Vermont, this all-in-one meal has triggered a class-action lawsuit by inmates who find it awful and call it "punishment," according to an Associated Press story in The Boston Globe.
Nutraloaf is a concoction of whole wheat bread, nondairy cheese, raw carrots, spinach, raisins, beans, vegetable oil, tomato paste, powdered milk and dehydrated potato flakes.
Here's the outrageous part. If you stocked this at Whole Foods, I guarantee you'd get folks paying $49.99 for it. The more it resembles healthful cardboard crap, the more we'd pay.
It all comes down to packaging. In prison, there is none. That means powerful first impressions are made entirely by what Nutraloaf looks like -- in this case, solidified barf on a piece of paper. It doesn't help that prison officials call it a "tool for behavior modification." That puts it right up there with billy clubs and lobotomies.
Now, at Whole Foods, the Nutraloaf package would feature pictures of nature's bounty: amber waves of grain, carrots in a wicker basket, vine-ripened tomatoes and dancing cows, among other things. The product would be shown in beautiful, bite-sized servings, about the size of the American Heart Association's approval mark, right next to it.
The massive amount served by the Vermont facility, on the other hand, devalues the product as a fine food, and encourages its use as a brick in the next prison riot. Also, all the methane gas being generated by the explosive amounts of roughage is surely a fire code violation. As for finding a Heart Assocation mark on a Nutraloaf in prison, forget it. The only mark an inmate will see are the tattoo tears falling from the left eye of the guy serving it.
Meanwhile, the Nutraloaf in Whole Foods would list exciting benefits.
- 10x better than Colon Blow!
- It's like suckling from Mother Nature's teat!
- Loaded with lycopenes!
- All natural & packed with anti-oxidants!
- Eat for life 'cause dying young sucks!
Before you even open the box, the package has you convinced that Nutraloaf is food of the gods. And as you gag on the crunchy chunks that look nothing like the picture, you've never felt more satisfied and alive.
Haven't you ever bought expensive, vile-and-bile-tasting products because of the promised health benefits? Makes you wonder sometimes: Who really is in prison?
The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. Always go too far, because that's where you'll find the truth.
Posted by: Al Camus | April 04, 2008 at 09:24 PM