In honor of the Chinese New Year, I had fortune cookies baked with the following office-related fortunes inside, which I feel are truer-to-life. These are the kinds of absurd things I dream up, and then actually do. Although it is the Year of the Rat, I don’t recommend you show these to the boss. And, yes, I know that fortune cookies were invented in the United States and not China.
My Absurd Life Miss Fortunes
When the boss has a cow,
You feel like you’re giving birth to it.
You can do it!
Others will take your place if you can’t.
You’ve been micromanaged so much,
You need help wiping your ass.
It’s not as bad as you thought.
It’s worse.
Your dream comes true.
Unfortunately, it’s the one where you’re naked in front of a crowd.
The boss absolutely needs it by today.
So he can have you revise it for the next three weeks.
That smell in the bathroom was there when you entered.
Sadly, no one believes you.
The best part of your job is lunch.
The boss recognizes your great ideas.
He’s always taking credit for them.
You’ll have a best friend.
Until you finish her project.
An annoying co-worker goes on vacation.
You’d be happy, if you weren’t stuck doing his job.
It’s not a do-over.
It’s simply a tenth revision.
You’ll reach higher in 2008.
Because your budget’s been raised.
Turnover is so bad, you call the
new guy, “Mr. Two Months.”
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